Transformation: Who Am I?

I’ve been reflecting upon myself after the release of MONO. by RM (Kim Namjoon of BTS).  Up to the release, people had tweeted what the album could be about and how it relates to his mixtape titled RM, especially its monochromatic theme and how RM struggled to live between the labels of artist and idol.  He has a life curve that mirrors his struggle where he asks “who am I?” and eventually reaches “Amor Fati.”

Amor Fati is the encompassing of all events that make a person who they are and accepting that fate to the point of contentment.  It’s more Nietzsche (his favorite) coming through modern philosopher Namjoon!  Watching RM develop and chart his own path of personal growth is inspiring, so much so that I’ve thought to myself, how would I answer the same question if asked, “Who am I?”

I can’t. (⌣_⌣”)

I’ve lived a long time, battled depression and anxiety, but what do I have to show for it? If I were to define myself, I should at least be able to say, without a doubt, what motivates me.  What am I passionate about? What attempts ended in failure?

As luck would have it, I was looking for something in the attic and came across some very old childhood “artifacts” (thanks Mom for keeping them! Lol!).  They’re hilarious:

And also impressive:

The DRAAAAAMAAA! LOL! (ᗒᗜᗕ)՛̵̖

All in all, the efforts seemed passionate and heartfelt – something I taught myself to leave behind.  (I was too romantic! It hurt to be so sincere!) I’m now rethinking my inner-struggle.  Maybe I wasn’t too far off in my post about living with two “personalities” that are conflicting with each other.  Could I possibly be reverting to some of the optimistic, romantic qualities I had as a child?

Maybe I was avoiding my fate? Maybe it’s time to embrace it? Nevertheless, I’ll ponder what descriptions suit me until I can directly answer “who am I?”

I’m very thankful for RM.  I don’t think I’ve had a muse as intense and relatable.  Sure, I’ve had comforts, but nothing that could speak to my heart and assure me I’m not the only one; That everything’s okay.

I’m also grateful that I’m mature enough, and have lived long enough to appreciate MONO’s message.  It’s a very good time to be alive.

About Crystal

Owner of Transformation ATTACK Blog and writer of the ways in which she learns to enjoy life by embracing herself: her strangeness, uniqueness, weirdness, introverted-ness, and other unattractive things. Life can be fun!

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