A three-year journey of self-discovery and six-months of generic Zoloft later, I’m feeling like a whole new person!
…Oh, wait, you guys didn’t know about the anti-anxiety meds…whoops!
ANYWAYS! It’s the right amount of OMPH to take the edge off of my worries and begin speaking my mind.
But, this is nothing new for me, just for those around me. I’ve known my thoughts and opinions for years but hoarded them. The people around me just aren’t used to hearing them, or of me just speaking my mind…frequently. In fact, I get the feeling that they’re mistaking my new found freedom of being myself as lightweight offensive, perhaps argumentative, unabashed, or blunt. It’s not! I’m just living without care as to what you think of me.
It’s the surprise in my coworkers’ faces that I notice the most and the tentativeness in my mom’s responses to my matter-of-fact statements. To offset the confusion, I do my best to explain, to be genuine, and listen. Yet, when an opportunity arises, I share. And it feels SO GOOD!
I think too that the people that have known me to be shy, quiet, and reserved for years may be unsettled by how I’ve changed. There might be an aversion to my presentation because maybe they preferred me like I was (easier to take advantage of what you knew, right? LOL), but I was so unhappy; I felt undervalued and like a pushover. That gets old and it didn’t help my mental health at all.
The greatest thing about being myself is that I can improve as I go. I don’t need to wait to speak until I’m “acceptable.” No one has to even agree with me and if I do get out of pocket, I have no problem now with facing that conflict. Of course, I’m not looking for a battle (I still pick them LOL!), it’s just that there’s no point in having frustration after conflict. I’m no longer repressing my emotions or overtaxing myself to appear unaffected in order to avoid conflict. If someone comes at me, I ain’t backing down (in the best sense!).
Here’s a great example! A coworker started a verbal argument over electronically pre-screening applicants (really a non-issue but it clicked that she was hella stressed cause why else fuss over a helpful function?) in the midst of her raising her voice about how she believes pre-screening questions should be, totally contradicting herself, I interjected that I didn’t want her to be upset. I also said that I didn’t want her to be frustrated when she still had to speak with candidates about the position. That changed the tone completely. I even gave her cookies (by a suggestion but I’m glad I did caauuusee…) we had a nice long discussion in-person. Conflict sorted and at the very least, I ain’t mad LOL!
On the flip side, my new personality has gained attention! People notice me when I’m walking down the street. When I’m just minding my business, someone wants to say “Hi.” It’s a new feeling for me when I used to be quasi-invisible. I could go anywhere alone and be unnoticed. It was peculiar and oppressing. This side-effect is a great addition.
At the end of the day, I’m just trying to live my best life and have fun. There’s no need to take things seriously and there’s definitely no reason I can’t switch things up a bit. One of my biggest fears is that my personality will become stagnant (like people that wear the same hairstyle and makeup for 40 years (T_T)). When I’m old, I want to truly be uninhibited. I’ll be stronger than my old self. My mentality, my philosophies, hell, my hair and clothes should all be improved so I can look back and say hell yea, that was a great ride.
Hope you agree!
If you don’t, then keeps a-steppin! LOL! Just kidding, but if you do, like this post and drop a line in the comments.
Stay Fighting! ♥