Confessions: Two Personalities

*testing vocal cords* ♫ ♪ THESE ARE MY CONFESSIOOOOONS! ♪ ♫

Yes, I used to act like I was singing Usher and post some very embarrassing, but honest admissions to my Facebook page.  It was silly, but it challenged my social anxiety.

Now, I want to use it as a means to stay human, by expressing what we’re all probably experiencing, but too afraid to admit or accept.

Granted, you may not find an antidote here.  These confessions may not offer anything other than comfort to know that you’re not alone in these sentiments.


 

Around this time last year, I had an intense, almost overpowering desire to take over me.  It was like a fire that wouldn’t go out for a month.  I needed to cuddle.  I needed to hug, to give and receive warmth.  Almost thought I’d die if I didn’t, just burn to ash.

Two weeks ago, I was looking forward to Fall.  There’ll be bundles of blankets, extra rich and extra hot chocolate and soothing teas to warm the body.  There would be autumn colors covering the trees, crunchy leaves to walk through and crisp air to help me appreciate a warm house with cuddly cats.  I’ll even learn to make some soups!

I’ll walk through the fall, embrace the atmosphere and I’ll walk through the winter snow too.  There’ll be icicles descending from trees, homes, and cars! I pictured sunlight glittering across the snow and rainbows forming through the ice.  Maybe I’ll build a snowman or make a snow angel.  I’ll love the outdoors because it’s beautiful and welcoming.

These thoughts are very childlike.  Only my 8-year-old-self remembers how beautiful, breathtaking and fun the changing seasons are.  These emotions and desires, I’ll call them Her, has been knocking on my heart to have adventures, see the world, meet new people and fall in love, not just with one person, but with life, friends, places and foods.  She doesn’t know anger and resentment like…Him.

He is my most dominant personality.  He’s what I’ve known for my adult life.  He’s my anxiety, bitterness, cynicism, and cause of my seclusion.  No one can be trusted.  Look at the news, governments, schools, work-place, and overall, how people treat each other.  What has humanity become? He’ll look at people side-eyed, scrutinize them until he sees their flaws.  He’s not confident, he doubts himself, is fearful and is at no means able to explore the world.  He’s too insecure for that.  In fact, whatever you’re thinking, it’s probably about him and you’re right.  He’s convinced it’s best to enjoy solitude until time is over.  Avoidance is more comfortable.

I have two distinctly different personalities wrecking my heart.  One is of love, the other isn’t.  Out of self-preservation, I’m questioning whether I ever knew myself or if I’ve just accepted the person I’ve become.  Could I really be as loving as Her, but suppressed that personality with resentment and anger over malevolent people?  What is my true self and how do I heal? Can I even join these personalities so my heart can mend?

I repel the thought of being vulnerable, because why should I let anyone hurt me on purpose? It’s my fault if I let my guard down.  Meanwhile, I’m burning up inside from lack of affection and of expressing love.

This conflict feels like a physical weight on my chest and it’s worsening my depression because I know I can’t move on until I’m willing to address years of self-made impediments to live as the person I truly am.  When I reflect on these personalities, I can honestly say I want to love like Her, but it’s easier being Him.  I want to look to my memories in fondness of all the great experiences and people I’ve known.  I want to nurture, provide and take care of the people I love…but I also don’t want the hurt and pain that can come with it.


 

The way in which I use the pronouns “him,” and “her,” have nothing to do with gender and I definitely do not feel they define societal roles.  I just needed a way to differentiate these conflicting characteristics.

Also, I think there’s room to explore how I’m connecting being outdoors to love and possibly happiness.

Transformation: The Pains of Therapy

I left an easter egg in the first post of the year that I was seeking help for my depression, and I found a counselor.

Luckily, my employer offers an employee assistance program (EAP) that covers up to five counseling sessions free of charge.  These counseling sessions can be for anything, depression, grief, marriage, etc.

Take it from an HR professional, don’t snub your nose at EAPs! If an employer has a good EAP, use it! They’ll help with dependent care, child care, legal assistance, health concerns, financial assistance, you name it! They’re designed to people balance their work and personal lives.  Better call them!  ೕ(˃̵ᴗ˂̵ ๑) 

It took me a loooooong time to commit.  I just felt embarrassed and insufficient for therapy, like my depression wasn’t heavy enough for a counselor.  I literally was measuring how critical my depression is compared to what I believed warranted therapy.  If it’s not that serious, why waste the counselor’s time?

Also, I have a fear of being vulnerable.  I’m nervous and tense every day to the point that my shoulders always ache.  Usually, I’m anticipating being rejected by someone who doesn’t like what I say, how I think, what I do, etc.  If I can’t be transparent or if I’m nervous about the counselor, how was therapy going to help me?

Swear, I’ve been working for the same employer for the past 15 years and no matter how many staff meetings we have, I’m ALWAYS nervous to speak.  I mean lip quivering, hands sweating, word fumbling nervousness.  It’s actually at a staff meeting that the co-worker complimented me on my style.  She did it out of kindness because it was painfully obvious my anxiety increased 1,000 fold when I had to explain to her, the new girl, and all (EIGHT!) of my other co-workers (that I see almost EVERY DAY!) about my job functions.  She helped complete my sentence and gave me a compliment to calm me down.  By then, most of the group was having side conversations.  She effectively ended my nervousness without anyone noticing. ٩(๑˃́ꇴ˂̀๑)۶

A mood swing at work stopped my over-thinking and I reached out for help.  It was all web-based, through their client portal.  I had to submit a request for counseling and describe why.  The EAP then sent me approval via email with the name and number of a recommended counselor… then I requested someone else.

I knew that, with all of my anxieties and inhibitions, I’d never open up to someone I didn’t feel comfortable with.  I really feel social prejudices and systematic racism also affects my depression.  I needed to confide in someone that could understand, so when I learned of an African American counselor that helped a co-worker through the loss of her father, I asked the EAP to connect me with her.

Now that my fifth counseling session is tomorrow, I can say it’s been an incredibly tough journey.  I cried a lot and had two anxiety attacks, but the fourth counseling session reeled me in a depressed state for three days.

Like usual, the counselor asked me how I was doing and conversations lead to me stating that I question my self-worth.

“Do you call it that?”

I said yes, and she asked why.  I couldn’t be honest, so I summarized my value amounted to the usual issues of self-image, feeling valuable…and I trailed off.  I started to get emotional thinking of all the horrible things I’ve told myself over the years.

The counselor stood, got a whiteboard, told me we HAVE to explore what I’m upset about and instructed me to write it all down so we can discuss each one.  I cried badly because I felt I was laying myself bare to be ridiculed.  I had to face in writing that I’ve told myself I’ll never be pretty, intelligent, strong, interesting or loving enough for anyone else AND that no one loves me.  The counselor, another human being, was going to judge me for it.  It hurt like hell.

I cried my eyes out for at least 15 minutes and tried to stall until the hour was up! I was like 8-year-old destroying tissue and hiccupping over something I didn’t want to do.  I didn’t even finish the list.  I just wanted the whole notion to disappear.  The counselor reassured me that I could take my time and that there’s nothing wrong with expressing emotion (cause I was legit crying all over the place!).  She even gave me privacy…which may not have been a good idea if I didn’t have some self-control.  I almost erased the board before she could see it! “Ψ(≧ω≦)Ψ“ *cackles*

“You wrote ‘pretty enough.’ You must think you’re pretty, but not pretty ‘enough.’  Define pretty.”

What do you say to that? I didn’t have a good answer.  I mumbled about being fat, not having an attractive face, that my aesthetic isn’t portrayed in media, that black women aren’t seen as desirable.  She dispelled the rest, but not the fact that the odds are stacked against black women in dating, “I’ll give you that.” But, she challenged me to define pretty and to tell myself that I am pretty and why then we’ll begin tackling the rest of my list.

I remember crashing in my bed and crying myself to sleep.  I was so emotional and downtrodden at work the next day that I really could’ve called off and stayed burrowed into my bed.  When I tried to affirm that I’m pretty, oh my god, the tears! How could I say that?!

But, after pacing myself and steadily trying,  I had a breakthrough.  It started with just, “I’m pretty,” without choking up.  And over a few days, I realized that I can’t trust and force myself to measure up to other peoples’ definitions of pretty.  This was probably why the counselor wanted me to have my own definition.  So many people believe certain things are attractive, how can I be all of them at once? And, if people aren’t being honest with themselves, I can’t wait for them to validate me.  Some people think fat people are sexy, but they’ll never introduce their fat lover to their friends or family because they’re embarrassed and fear being shamed.  How is this a healthy measurement?

I realized my definition should be absolute:  I’m pretty because I am.  I’m not limited to other people’s standards and I can’t counter this logic with negativity because as long as I’m alive, I’m pretty.  I can choose my own standard so I choose something infallible.  I’m just pretty.

“You need to love yourself.”

I began to connect, “I’m pretty because I am,” AND because, “I love myself.”  It’s the icing on the cake.  It’s that added touch that will make accepting my new-found logic a bit easier.  Not only can nothing take away my prettiness from existence, but loving all parts of me will make the work ahead with the counselor a bit easier.  I’ve by no means conquered these issues.  I’m not cured.  I’m making progress.

So tomorrow is the fifth and final session covered by the EAP and we’ll have to decide if I should continue therapy with the counselor on my own.  Although these sessions have been rough for me, and almost felt counterproductive, the progress, even by this much, has me hopeful that I’m on the road to recovery.  I’ll hold on for a bit longer…hopefully the price is right lol.


 

It’s my desire that anyone reading this will learn that therapy is great at any moment in life.  Attend as many sessions as you see fit, but don’t ignore the signs.  Recognize when you need help and don’t discourage yourself.

Also, the purpose of this entry is to give a realistic depiction of the hard work necessary for therapy.  Therapy is not an immediate solution, but a way to guide you to recovery.

Sorry for the long post, but hopefully, there are some takeaways.
(੭ु´・ω・`)੭ु⁾⁾

Randomness: ARMY, Ya’ll Paying Those Ticket Prices?!

This will be my very first BTS concert.  In Chicago.  On October 3rd.  Me and my friend will be in that ARMY Bomb ocean doing the wave as long as God hears me and answers my prayers.  I’m fearful now that my optimism, at the highest it’s EVER been, was shot down in a brawl for tickets.

Lemme say something:  I was christened with the strength of K-Pop determination through the grit of getting tickets for KCon LA 2017 and GOT7 World Tour 2018 in NY.  I was made tough damnit. I knew I’d get tickets for BTS Love Yourself Tour!

My time limit was 10 to 15 minutes to score tickets.  I’d have up to 7 minutes for P1 or P2 tickets if I was lucky. GOT7 tickets completely sold out in 20 minutes, so I knew BTS tickets would sell out quicker including tickets released from check-out carts.  Three devices were at the ready.  My friend had two.  Not an impressive ARMY set-up, but we were doing our best!

So I’m in Safari, Firefox, Microsoft Edge with multiple tabs open, refreshing the pages sequentially.  Meanwhile, I’m checking Twitter and Facebook groups:

“I GOT TICKETS!!!”

“Powerhouse website crashed again!”

“Guys, don’t refresh! That’s how I got my tickets!”

“Tickets JUST went on sale and they’re sold out?! AGHAGJDAALNDAF!”

But I didn’t let that sway me.  I was on a mission.  In fact, I knew the perfect tickets were waiting for me.

I bought the limited edition Billboard BTS package with large posters and special Billboard Magazine covers for each of the boys and the first picture I saw was RM’s beautiful face.  Epiphany! I knew in my spirit I’d see him in person.  That’s how I knew these tickets were mine. ლζ*ε*ζლ 

Anyways, I didn’t get the tickets (LOL!), so I’ve been resale stalking for four desperate and starving months.

Here’s my real issue:  These resale prices are too damn high! Granted, I realized P1 tickets were underpriced.  BTS and BigHit love ARMY enough to give us a discounted price of $250 dollars for P1 and GA tickets.  Once tickets hit resale, I knew it was game on, but ARMY, why are you paying these outrageous resale prices? I’ve seen ARMY repost resale tickets at the same price they bought them, around $750 dollars or more!  I’ve watched LA and Oakland tickets sell from around $600 to over $700 dollars on StubHub and VividSeats.  There are barely any tickets available for Fort Worth, and those started at $900 dollars!

ARMY are panicking everywhere.  They’re asking each other whether to buy tickets at the current resale price and they’re encouraging each other to do so! Don’t do that.  I need everyone to take a deep breath and walk with me some more.

Remember, supply and demand.  As demand increases for limited resources, the prices increase.  We see this with the state of resale ticket prices.  It also doesn’t help that initially, a percentage of tickets were squirreled away by the venue, promoter, entertainment company and possibly the artist.  It’s all contractual, it’s all business.  That’s the way it is across the board, so we didn’t have much to purchase from the git.  Once the smaller amount of tickets hit the resale market, the prices sky-rocketed over time.

And ah-nother thing!  Have you seen ticket prices for Citifield and Hamilton?! They’re practically dirt cheap compared to everywhere else.  People are trying to trade with Citifield and Hamilton tickets.  Dude, I’m sure everyone got their tickets already.  You can’t beat those prices, even with the extra fees. ˃̶̀˂̶́)σ

But listen, in order for resellers to recoup the cost of these tickets, they have to sell them by the concert date.  Truly this is motivation to lower the ticket price.  If ARMY wait to purchase tickets, resellers will be forced to drop prices to recoup costs, especially if they have too many tickets to sell.  Buying tickets at the current rate will increase the prices across the board.  In turn, ARMY will begin to feel obligated to pay these ridiculous prices.

Watch any other resale on StubHub and see that resale prices typically are cheaper closer to the concert date.  In fact, the closer to the hour, the better.  The first LA concert is a perfect example.  A couple of hours before the concert, ticket prices hovered around face value.  This corresponds with what most BTS tour veterans have said about last minute resales.  Then Friday hit, and everything was a bust.  It got to social media that resale tickets are being bought up and all other dates suffered.  People have already bought all of the P1 and P2 tickets in the $500 dollar range for Chicago.  Ugh, stop!

Please be considerate.  If you have extra tickets, release them now.  Increasing the supply will decrease the price, therefore positively affecting ticket sales and last minute mark-downs.

This literally JUST happened with Fort Worth a few hours ago.  Now tickets start at $463, NOT $900.  Progress, yes! (•̀•́)و✧

If you have tickets but are looking for different ones with a closer view, stop.  Be grateful for what you have.  Have you already seen them? Possibly four times? Good, now stop.  Don’t be greedy.  And trading tickets for one location for another isn’t helpful.  Just sell the ticket! Me and my friend have two weeks before the Chicago concert with bus tickets, an AirBnB and absolutely no way into United Center.  Let’s help each other.

From what I’ve learned from my interactions on social media, there are four different ways to score tickets outside of StubHub and other ticket resale companies:

  1. Ticket trade and resale groups. Most I’ve found are on Facebook.  There’s BTSTicketBot on Twitter.  No sales fees! Yaaaay!
  2. Club suites. There are organizers out there purchasing suites and selling the seats for affordable prices.  Plus, food and drinks are included!
  3. Last minute online ticket sales. Without warning, sites like Ticketmaster and AXS will release tickets at face value.  Are tickets ever really sold out?
  4. Last minute sales at the venue. On the day of the concert, people are walking around or posting to social media (Twitter and resale groups) that they have spare tickets.  I read that someone got a free ticket.
  5. Last minute box office sales. This legit happened in Oakland.  The box office opened around 5:30 PM and started selling P1 tickets.  Ain’t that a bbbbbb…

Well, that was five things.  Now, go forth and scour the inters-of-net, set all the notifications and please, stop the madness.

♥ ボーナス! ♥ 

Here’s something underhanded that I think may be happening.  Scalpers can snatch dozens of tickets immediately at the start of ticket sales.  They can manipulate the market by posting only a few tickets to inflate prices.  ARMY will buy the tickets thinking there are no alternatives, and the prices stabilize at or increase to a higher price.  Once prices are higher across the platform, scalpers can introduce more tickets closer to the date at the higher prices and the demand will still be there to purchase them.  This is just my inkling.  I could be totally off base.

But this is true: resale ticket prices are usually reasonable right after a ticket sale.  Even though Citifield still has reasonable ticket prices, I’ve watched GA prices increase to around $600 (although there’s still so many cheaper tickets left, like wut?), so time really is a factor. Save up over the year so you can throw that money down!

The Unboxening: ARMY Bomb Version 3

I love BTS so much that I have two ARMY Bombs, wtf.

That’s right, I scoured the internets last year to find an ARMY Bomb Ver 2 and after a long exhausting search, I found it!

Noooobody had them, except Choice Music.  I cannot believe, one of the most popular, trustworthy KPOP shops that sells out of things in minutes had this damn bomb when it was sold-out EVERYWHERE! I can’t say I’m not lucky.  Or maybe…it’s destiny?  ʚ♡⃛ɞ(ू•ᴗ•❁)

Fast-forward an entire year later, I thought I was cute cause I already had the Ver 2 lightstick when everyone was breaking their necks to buy one, THEN BigHit drops Ver. 3! It’s a racket…but I’m here to review it!

They want our blood, sweat and tears y’all! All of ARMY’s college tuition, overtime and underfunded bank accounts.  Fly away my tiny dollars! Fly! o(╥)o

I have to preface this review by stating that I have two other official lightsticks:  MonstaX and GOT7 Ver. 2.  This ARMY Bomb Ver 3 is THE best!

In terms of material, it’s still made of lightweight plastic, but the quality is in the embellishments.

First off, the damn package came dented and I was afraid the lightstick may have been damaged.  Lucky me (땡!) the product was just fine!

Apart from MonstaX’s lightstick packaging, this design is very nice.  BigHit stuck with the Beyond the Scene logo with their usual minimalist aesthetic.  The box is very sleek and cool.  I almost didn’t want to give it up, but a girl only has so much room.

When I opened the box, the first thing I saw was the top of the ARMY Bomb.

Top.jpg

Not very interesting, but like I said it’s the details that count.  This Bomb came with: an attachable wristlet, cloth bag, user manual, customer rewards card, AND PHOTOCARDS!

I’m skipping to the photocards.  They’re glossy, oversized and are tha shit.  Plus, there’s a card for each member.  No need to trade.  All ARMY can feel complete after one purchase.

My other official lightsticks didn’t come with a bag, but they all have a nice attachable wristlet so the lightstick is easy to carry around.  Ver 3’s is a mammoth.  No dinky, thin strap here!  It’s wider, softer, though a little shorter, and where it only said BTS on one side, it now has ARMY on the other.

They love us! It’s so beautiful we’re being included throughout this release and that they realized ARMY needed a ride or die strap.  Must be all those surveys!

The ARMY Bomb has the same structure as the previous version:  BTS block type font, clear camouflage pattern, rattle pieces (although now more misshaped as opposed to previous ovals and now they easily stick to the interior walls), and ignition wick.  The size is still the same, but can now stand on its own because of the built-in base.  ARMY and BTS return on the base of the hilt, with BTS being replaced by the Beyond the Scene logo and ARMY with our logo *hairflip.*

The feel of the bomb is a little bulkier – think lightsaber – with a new second button to pair to Bluetooth.  The hilt color has also changed.  Ver 2 is silver and black.  Now it’s just all black.  Also, there’s an ugly manufacturer’s sticker on the side that crinkles around the edges.  I’m definitely removing it with Goo Gone so there won’t be leftover adhesive.

What I love most about this version is the inclusion of the BTS logo in the center of the Bomb.  It’s such an attractive feature, and when lit, it’s mesmerizing.

AGAIN! These *clap* embellishments *clap* are giving me heart palpitations.  BigHit and BTS must love ARMY ridiculously.  We’re now visually represented on this ARMY Bomb twice, they want us to stop getting wrist burns AND we can now stand this lightstick up without jimmy-rigging it for our display. (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و

This does require 3 AAA batteries and will last approximately 5 hours according to the user manual.  One thing you may have already noticed, that I do not appreciate with this release is that the opening to the battery container screws onto the hilt, and doesn’t line up with the design.  You have to make sure it does, otherwise, it just looks silly.  This issue isn’t as noticeable with Ver 2, but correcting this would’ve been better.

As I was writing this review, I pulled out the Ver 2 and realized I left the batteries in by accident since the release of Love Yourself: Her and it’s still working! That’s some serious shelf life.  In comparison, I forgot to take the Ver 3 off Bluetooth mode for two weeks and it still worked for my photoshoot! (ू′o‵ ू)*✲゚

Dismantled.jpg

Once you slide the button up for the LED light, there are five settings to switch through by pushing the single button below it:  Keep, Slow, Quick, Flash and Dimming.

And lemme just say, the light on this thing is MUCH clearer and MUCH brighter than the previous one.  It doesn’t vibrate when turned on, which I don’t care about that.

But let’s ask the question, why were ARMY going nuts online about this version vibrating? There’s no vibration in manual mode. At. All.  Besides, Ver 2 vibrated like mad.  It’s not like we didn’t already have it lol.

Here’s a preview of Ver 3 in each mode:

 

Now, you’re probably wondering about how this works with Bluetooth.  I don’t have great news about this.  It’s defective AF.

I’m a part of several BTS concert groups on Facebook and many of the members are posting the same issue.  The damn thing won’t flash blue in the pairing mode.

Downloading the BTS Official Lightstick App allows ARMY to manipulate the colors of the Ver 3 lightstick in Self Mode for late night parties and also place the Bomb in Concert Mode to be controlled by BigHit at the concerts; hence, the spectacular multicolor oceans circulating online.

There’s plenty of ARMY videos that demonstrate Self Mode.  What I’m going to discuss is how I got mine to actually work.

My friend also got a Ver 3 ARMY Bomb which paired with no problem.  Each time she moved the button up, center or down, there was a click.  Mine didn’t do that.  My initial reaction was that the button wasn’t aligning with the Bluetooth symbol like her’s; therefore, no third clicking sound.  So what I did was I pushed the button down into the curve of the track with a little pressure.  BAM! It flashed blue.  I pressed the Self Mode button in the app and the rest was a disco.

I tried demonstrating this in another video (it’s much easier with two hands):

 

Disclaimer:  If your Ver 3 doesn’t work after applying a bit of pressure, not extreme force, not using objects to push down on the button, nothing crazier than I did in the demonstration, just see if you can have the lightstick replaced.

The User Manual does recommend visiting the concert Help Desk for assistance or email btslightstickver3@compactd.com.

I’ve also read in one of the Facebook groups that the Help Desk might replace ARMY Bombs if they’re defective and that 1:1 Inquiry customer service in the BigHit Shop can be notified of the problem and will respond after a day’s time.

Regardless, my opinion is….that this release is AMAZING! Even my iGOT7 friend remarked about the quality.  I stand by my assessment that BigHit listened to ARMY for this release.  We’ve paid so much of our hard earned cash in love for BTS and BigHit clearly reinvested it.  A lot of thought went into this version, including the shipping.  I’ll admit I was disappointed at first that BigHit nullified fan coordinated light oceans, but in hindsight we’re saving money and efforts can be invested in more creative opportunities.  Really, the only downside to Ver 3 is that the Bluetooth function may not work with each product.  Otherwise, I’m in love with this release.  Please BigHit, don’t drop anymore LOL!

If you would like to purchase a Ver 3 ARMY Bomb, visit BigHit ShopVer 2 will not be controlled at the concerts. Packages ship within the US via UPS.  Once I received notification that “Shipping is Complete,” I received a second email entirely in Korean with a tracking number (출고번).  The package got here in a week’s time.

Or, just buy one at the concert.  It’s a separate line.  Swear, they ought to be much shorter.

Randomness: Every. Single. Day.

I had meant to release this over a year ago, and the more I read it the more I’m like, I can’t let this go to waste!

And now, for your reading pleasure…something-that-actually-did-work-before-I-fell-off-the-bandwagon! Don’t worry, I’m getting back to it and will post updates…


*Que rock music* ONE PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!

Everyone should have an epic introduction like One Punch Man! I’m still rocking the theme song. ‾͟͟͞(((ꎤˋ⁻̫ˊ)—̳͟͞͞o

Sooooooo I posted in March for the first time with all my glorious enthusiasm to transform into this amazing person that I know I am, including a giant weight loss journey, then realized I wasn’t readdyyyy! (<—–best Kevin Hart impression).  Goddamn, I love food.

One month later and I’m back on Herbalife and eating less, with a bit of health-conscious flair *pinky up!*

Herbalife… is taking over Earth.  I visited the Memebox Korea website and Herbalife was on the main page!  Admit it, you know someone that sells it, don’t you? You’re probably on it now!  (⊙◇⊙!) 

What am I doing differently? I’m having a meal replacement shake in the morning before work, eating healthier snacks (fruits, veggies, and cheeses), trying to limit salt intake and eating full meals in the evenings.  And don’t you start with cheese! I’mma eat cheese till I die!

Baby. Bell. Gouda. Wtf is it? (ᗒᗩᗕ)՞ It’s definitely not gouda.  It’s like a cream cheese-mozzarella-cheddar-gouda.  A creamy gouchedrella.  I bought a whole pack of these mofos and with each bite, I’m dying inside cause I’m too broke to waste them.  Only two left ಥ⌣ಥ

Let’s not talk about lunch and dinner yet.  My wallet dictates my plate and it is unbalanced lol.  My goal has been to avoid most fast and processed food, hence it’s not on my unbalanced plate, and to ease into the DASH diet and nutrition that help PCOS symptoms.

Work-out? Whachu say? Gawd, I hate exercise.  Can’t live with it, can’t live a long and healthy life without it.  But there’s nothing like a good shounen anime to get you off your ass and aspiring to be the best at damn near everything.  I’m watching One Punch Man S1 for a second time, cause it’s hilarious, and have been inspired to do the One Punch Man workout.

What is it? 100 sit-ups! 100 pushups! 100 squats! And 10 km running! Every. Single. Day! Other people are doing it too! Found a few websites with some nice reviews, so I’m going for it.  I’ll split it, morning and evening, and start 20 movements each until I reach 100.  Still trying to figure out running…*watching more anime for inspiration*

Links:

JaxBlade:  Would One Punch Man Saitama’s Fitness Training Actually Work?
Roam Strong:  The One Punch Man Workout
Darebee:  One Punch Man Tribute Workout
BuzzFeed:  We Tried The “One Punch Man” Workout Routine
Fitspiration:  Why The One Punch Man Workout May Be The Best Thing That Hit The Fitness World

Photo Credit:  Roam Strong.  Original credit Mangahere (link no longer exists).

 

Transformation: I Choose…Piercings!

*in the key of out-of-touch adult* I remember when bar piercings were aaaaaall the rage! My friend had gotten one and damnit, I wanted it too.  The bar earring crossed the upper portion of her ear at an angle, one cartilage piercing to another, and it looked rebellious.  Not sure if my friend knew I wanted cartilage piercings, but she definitely wouldn’t have told me to wait over ten years!

But, that’s what I do.  I have no concept of the length of time that has passed and I ruminate on the endless possible outcomes of a decision I have yet to make.  There were so many worries that I dragged my feet.

“This isn’t appropriate for a business environment.  Who will take me seriously?”

“I’ll look silly when I’m old.”

“Last thing I need is to be perceived as immature.  I’m a grown ass adult!”

“With my luck, I’ll finally get a keloid.”

“I gotta wait a year before changing the earring?! But, but accessories!”
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ノಥД)ノ︵┻━┻

What I needed was spontaneity.  So when my niece happened to ask me to take her for her first tattoo, I got the chance to stop my decade of mulling it over!

What’s funny is I didn’t act nervous or indecisive.  I walked right over to the piercer’s studio without a care.  This was not at all ten years in the making! *dismissive laughter.* “One here, one here and one here.” is what I told him and emerged, after GREAT EXCRUCIATING PAIN, with one helix and two matching earlobe piercings.  Ridiculous lol.

Notice that I’m so into KPOP that I wanted a cartilage piercing AND enough ear lobe earrings to feel like an idol.  Plus! I can switch out the cartilage stud with a hoop to feel closer to Jimin. o(≧∇≦)o  #kpoptrash

Am I worried? I’m actually quite excited! I finally took a chance and bet on myself.  During all the wasted time, I became extremely comfortable avoiding as many fears as possible that’s why I’m in a dead-end job or so my 19-year-old niece tells me.  All of my visions and inspirations were easily overwhelmed by unnecessary anxiety and defeatism.  Now I have to believe in myself AND my choice.

There’s more to life than what my eyes can narrowly see.  Most likely I missed out on plenty of rewards.  Although these piercings are a small step, perhaps by gambling with the fate of my precious left-ear, I’ve learned that…it’s not so bad.  I’m having fun and enjoying the endless possible outcomes cause I still got a year before this bitch is healed.  I’ll just adapt if necessary and keep it moving.

So was it worth it? Absolutely.  I’m wearing what I want to work WITH a bomb ass helix piercing.  It was finally time well spent!

Helix Piercing


Photo Credit:  Davepiercer (instagram)