Transformation: Who Am I?

I’ve been reflecting upon myself after the release of MONO. by RM (Kim Namjoon of BTS).  Up to the release, people had tweeted what the album could be about and how it relates to his mixtape titled RM, especially its monochromatic theme and how RM struggled to live between the labels of artist and idol.  He has a life curve that mirrors his struggle where he asks “who am I?” and eventually reaches “Amor Fati.”

Amor Fati is the encompassing of all events that make a person who they are and accepting that fate to the point of contentment.  It’s more Nietzsche (his favorite) coming through modern philosopher Namjoon!  Watching RM develop and chart his own path of personal growth is inspiring, so much so that I’ve thought to myself, how would I answer the same question if asked, “Who am I?”

I can’t. (⌣_⌣”)

I’ve lived a long time, battled depression and anxiety, but what do I have to show for it? If I were to define myself, I should at least be able to say, without a doubt, what motivates me.  What am I passionate about? What attempts ended in failure?

As luck would have it, I was looking for something in the attic and came across some very old childhood “artifacts” (thanks Mom for keeping them! Lol!).  They’re hilarious:

And also impressive:

The DRAAAAAMAAA! LOL! (ᗒᗜᗕ)՛̵̖

All in all, the efforts seemed passionate and heartfelt – something I taught myself to leave behind.  (I was too romantic! It hurt to be so sincere!) I’m now rethinking my inner-struggle.  Maybe I wasn’t too far off in my post about living with two “personalities” that are conflicting with each other.  Could I possibly be reverting to some of the optimistic, romantic qualities I had as a child?

Maybe I was avoiding my fate? Maybe it’s time to embrace it? Nevertheless, I’ll ponder what descriptions suit me until I can directly answer “who am I?”

I’m very thankful for RM.  I don’t think I’ve had a muse as intense and relatable.  Sure, I’ve had comforts, but nothing that could speak to my heart and assure me I’m not the only one; That everything’s okay.

I’m also grateful that I’m mature enough, and have lived long enough to appreciate MONO’s message.  It’s a very good time to be alive.

Transformation: How Do You Love?

This February I want to challenge myself.

February is all about love.  Think Valentine’s Day:  Chocolates, cards, sweets, Kdramas and the like.

It just so happens (lucky me!) I’m a part of a Facebook group (a heavily BTS biased group, but embraces multifandom too) that does various events for camaraderie.  This time, they’re having a Valentine’s Day edition card exchange! Perfect! This will get me out of my comfort zone and interact with different people around the world (Yes! I’ll be sending cards to the UK!).

Coincidentally, I’ve already given a lot of thought about love.  What is it, how does one portray it, how is it possible to exude love after building up defenses?  It doesn’t seem easy, but I wanted to try to understand and be more loving.

I’ve always thought myself to be a bit difficult and hardened towards other people.  This February,  for the card exchange, it would be great to challenge myself to show love to people I don’t quite know.

Hopefully, you know by now that I love me some RM.  I’m still recovering from Mono. and one of his singles Forever Rain (I listen to it every day y’all).  In it he says:

“I wish it rains all day
Cuz then people wouldn’t stare at me, yeah

Cuz the umbrella would cover the sad face
Cuz in the rain people are busy minding themselves.”

Genius Lyrics

We individually hide our feelings from each other as if we’re scared to be honest, afraid of ridicule (hence the scary faces in the MV and RM’s desire to mask his emotions in the rain).  This is silly because we all have the same feelings and we all share similar experiences.

When this album came out, so many people appreciated RM’s honesty.  Plenty of people experience depression, dissatisfaction with life, and a myriad of other emotions within the album. Why can’t we show these feelings outwardly in hopes to connect with other people who need help too? And why can’t those people be honest and reach back? It’s like we’re afraid of each other.  We shouldn’t be.

Soooooo, I hate when people ask me how are you cause I’m obliged to say “I’m good and you?” Well, I’m not good! And if I told you, would you listen? Or would you feel inconvenienced? Did you even care to know in the first place or are you just being cordial? It sucks! I should just start saying, “I’m terrible! I have uncoerced mood-sings, I don’t want to be here and I’m unhappy with my life!” Shake things up a bit! Lol!✧(σ๑˃̶̀ꇴ˂̶́)σ

This is why I’m challenging myself. Love is the most powerful force in life.  It shouldn’t be complicated or withheld from someone that needs it. So my cards all have love in it, within the body of the message, stickers, and salutations. I’ve been saying I love you more to family and friends, but now I’ll make a bigger effort (Since it’s February/Valentine’s Month, I can get away with it without being creepy lol!).

Hopefully, these cards will hit the spot and I’ll learn something from this challenge.  In the very least, I want to be able to say the word “love,” more often.  Every little step towards love, loving others and myself, will be excellent progress. I’ll give an update when the event is over with some additional remarks.

I love you!

It’s over the top, but I had fun making it! The front of the card is to the right. The PC and heart confetti goes inside! Uwu! (ෆˊ͈ ु꒳ ूˋ͈ෆ)

PS:  Cause I love Forever Rain soooooo much, I’ve added some analyses for your viewing pleasure ❤