Transformations: Return to Start

Okay, okay, okay.  Enough with BTS! Lies! There’s never enough BTS, but I’ve lost sight of the purpose of this blog: to transform into someone that is uniquely and unapologetically me and to make connections with like-minded people along the way.

Sure, BTS is a HUGE part of my life, my…♪DNAAAA!♪ DNA Gif

LOOK AT THEM!

BTS Goofy GifBTS Sexy GifBTS UN GifBTS Unicef Gif

Can you not see their magnificence?! ♡( ૢ⁼̴̤̆ ꇴ ⁼̴̤̆ ૢ)~ෆ♡

I love them so much, but this life is still my own and I need to see this transformation through! (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و

In order to do this, I’ve been making transformative decisions in conjunction with my Four Year Plan.

As I have mentioned before, I do live with depression and anxiety.  Many times, I avoid things outside of my comfort zone in fear of agitating these feelings.  My fears have made my life, my personal and professional growth, very stagnant.  So, I decided to face myself (will the puns ever cease?!) head-on by:

  1. Looking for a new job!

What I’ve learned is that a job can really feed on low self-esteem.  So, if you’re in a dead-end job, with no developmental opportunities, that doesn’t invest in your abilities or give you a sense of purpose, then any anxiety or depression that you have could be amplified.  It’s time to go!

I’m legit scared shitless cause I know nothing! All of these postings are like, girl, you don’t qualify. Of course, I have to make things harder by looking into a field for which I have AB-SO-EFFIN-LUTELY no experience! UGH! *throws Indeed away.  Retrieves Indeed cause that’s just stupid.* But HR Technology and Analytics here I come! (;ಥ;ω;ಥ;)

Don’t think that I’m not grateful to my employer:  my first job, the best teammates and boss, and the most work-life balance I’ll probably ever have, but administrative work is becoming obsolete.  I can no longer let the job market pass me by out of loyalty to my job.  And, how can I love myself if I won’t allow myself to grow, personally AND professionally? I want to see who I can become and be proud of it.

  1. Investing more in my health!

I’m getting too old for this shit.  As if depression and anxiety aren’t enough, I’m experiencing some crazy digestive issues that I’m having the WORST time getting treatment for.  I might be alone in this, so I’m going all the way!

To enjoy the new, fun and exciting life I’m building, I need to be healthy.  I’ve already lost 20 lbs (practically from starvation) and I’ve continued intermittent fasting (to aid incredibly slow digestion). It just makes sense with this issue to eat less and fast until a doctor will finally listen to me.

When my symptoms first appeared, I was sooooo lethargic and dizzy that I altered my vitamin regime.  It’s now:

Alive Multivitamin Woman’s Energy with B Complex

Nature’s Bounty Vitamin D3

Solgar Gentle Iron

MAN! I was like a new person! I still get lethargic, but the extra energy goes a long way.  I did cut the iron BTW cause…digestion issues.  Eventually, I will have to take it because I’ve always been a tad anemic, but I’ll take it maybe once a week.

Lastly, I needed a way to get my guts to at least gurgle, so I found some awesome exercises to aid digestion.  They’re nothing strenuous, just enough to alleviate some pressure.  And I’m still doing skincare.  I can’t wait to share my first kbeauty review! *screams*

  1. Speaking myself whenever and wherever I can!

The head of my department said I’m not assertive and that was the last straw.  I am assertive, but anxiety doesn’t allow me to show it! After 15 years on the job, no one there realizes this. And it might be because I’ll mentally revise any response (verbal, email, etc.) at least 20 times before I say or type it.  Not anymore! I’m going to speak myself (They’re in my  ♪DNAAAAA!♪  DNA Gif) by being honest and not worrying about being perceived as offensive, unintelligent, not black enough, an outspoken female, an aggressive black female, or insert any judgment that causes worrisome feelings. “What other people think of me ain’t none of my business,”(RuPaul).

Thursday, my coworker said I was “on a roll,” because I was being blunt and joking a bit too much, which is unusual.  I was less stressed from anxiety which definitely left more energy to be animated and talkative.  I told you, I’m tired of censoring myself.  This is me, baby! Enjoy! (。•̀ᴗ-)✧

And I’ll still wear what I want, even at work.  I like bright colors, fun headbands and hair clips, unique earrings, and youthful clothing! I love fluffing up my afro and wearing it big! I love showing my tattoos and planning the next one.  If no one likes it, then they don’t like me and that sounds like a personal problem…which ain’t none of my business anyway.

The biggest accomplishment yet is becoming an English as a Second Language tutor.  I log into a video conferencing platform and help people around the world practice their English conversation skills.  I practically panicked out of a job for a good two months, canceling shifts out of fear, and the tiredness that my fear brought with it, but almost every student I spoke to said they were nervous too! And that put me at ease because I could sympathize and I’d never want them to feel nervous around me.

After six months of meeting people from Saudi Arabia, Turkey, Thailand, Taiwan, Japan, South Korea, India, Colombia, Brazil, China, etc., I’ve started having fun talking to people, learning that although we’re from different cultures, we’re so similar in wanting to enjoy life.  We share the same feelings and desires, we just go about it differently.

Except for that Alt-Right 18-year-old from Brazil! He’s barely LIVED and he’s spouting oppressional bullshit! He can shove his copy of Trump’s Art of the Deal up his arse and try to kick rocks!  \\\\٩(๑`^´๑)۶////

Living is hard, but I’m trying to stay focused, trying to stay healthy and speak myself (♪DNAAAAA!♪ DNA Gif), remembering that life should be fun and to not take it seriously; and, that anxiety and my job shouldn’t determine my worth.  By this time next year, I hope to look back like, “Wooooooow, so much has changed.  I love me from back then, but I love me and my new life even more!” (♥ω♥ ) ~♪

Transformation: I’mma Wear What I Want To Work!

In my quest to have fun and enjoy life, I’ve been making little choices to try to be as much of myself as possible at work.  You know what it’s like in a business environment, you have to play the role and dress the part.  Luckily, I work for a public agency with a business casual dress policy.  I’m taking some liberties! *cackles*

Shout out to the new employee that literally told me she liked my style and asked where I shopped.  She’s about as big as a minute so my response was completely unhelpful, but she got my head swole. My fashion must be right!  Thanks! ( •ॢ◡-ॢ)-♡

In preparation, I donated a large portion of my wardrobe to the Salvation Army.  They came with a truck to pick-up what must’ve been about 16 bags of clothes, housewares, and random media.  Then, I called up my girls Torrid, Forever 21 and H&M cause their plus sizes fit nice, but I realized I was wearing more of the same.  I needed something different, so I went to searching and found Shein, The Limited and Zulily; I got reacquainted with Modcloth and SimplyBe clearance; then, I took a chance with my bank account on Eloquii and ASOS cause they’re hella expensive.

Lord Jesus, save me from Shein.  They have everything I could ever want for the cheap.  The sizing can be unreliable for bottoms, but all of my tops fit perfectly.  *Rambles* Why is their jewelry so cheap?  They must know I love earrings.  I have more hair accessories now than I know what to do with.  Help me! (ó﹏ò。)

After charging half of my credit card limit, I look fly as hell, but there is a method to my madness.  If time is a resource, your job has already taken much of it.  When do you have time to be yourself?  When I shop, I have two categories: work clothes, and weekend clothes.  Work clothes are generally conservative and look like your coworkers.  Weekend clothes generally express who you are.  Why should I only express myself on the weekend?

In terms of self-care, by the end of the day, there’s very little time for yourself.  For me, treat yourself got very real.  I was also tired of my job dictating my life, not only my attire but also my behavior.  As someone that felt that I was living in a box, my inner self couldn’t take the restraints any longer.  I needed to express myself!

It’s most difficult for parents to manage their time.  They have to take care of their children before themselves.  Any time after work concerns their children be it feeding them, cleaning up after them, helping them with homework, running errands for them, administering medical care, doing their hair (braiding that natural hair!), the list goes on.  Self-care and time for other necessities take the backseat.  The love between parents and their children is beautiful, but my heart goes out to parents.  Don’t neglect yourself! (づ ̄ ³ ̄)づ

So take a chance! Embrace your inner self.  If your job requires a uniform or business professional attire, take some liberties.  Get that trendy hairstyle you’ve wanted!  Put on some statement jewelry or wristbands.  Match some bright ass pumps with your suit.  Wear some hipster socks! What’s your coat look like? It’s drab. Buy a new one that sets you apart from your coworkers.  As you can see, there are many ways to express yourself through fashion at work.  We all live once.  We should be able to enjoy ourselves and our time here.